Autumn

Warm enough to sleep,
cold enough not to mind

solid this middle ground,
stuck quick in this sand

quiet but for the giveaway,
the thrashing of my telltale heart.

Thoughts of Him move through me, making it easier to breathe.
Imagining his hands on me, warmer than I remembered and soft. And firm.
His hands guiding me gentle to where He wants me to be.
I want Him to tell me where to go.

My mouth moves for Him, hungry.
Curious tongue chasing the flavors of His skin.
I listen for the sounds of His pleasure then smile to myself and move on.

He wasn't entirely absent; standing in the shadows, watching.
Close enough to feel, too far away to touch.

There is hope in this.

It is possible that Sir will be around next weekend.
It is possible that He will never come back at all.

This kind of not knowing is difficult for me to take. This alter-ego works so well for the emotions I don't want to have or deal with in my real life. This alter-ego allows me to love Him in this razor-sharp absolute way that my real heart would never survive.

There is clarity in this.
There is control.

But I have abandonment issues... in general and related specifically to Him. If He returns it will be interesting to see how those issues resolve; whether I fight Him or submit immediately. (Or submit to that voice and act out in other ways).
Whether we have to start all over or find that there has been growth in this vacuum.

There have already been some consequences for me that I didn't expect - the strength of this need for Him and the depth of my reliance on the structure to keep me whole. It's a learning process, and adjustments are necessary and appropriate... but there are mistakes I can't make more than once.