Because I can hear the trains from my bedroom window and I do not feel alone.
Because when you are here I do.
Because I still don't know what you wanted.
Because it wasn't me.
Because you slept in the middle of the bed and I held on to the edge and tried not to move.
Because you never asked if I wanted you to stay that night.
Because if I had said yes you would have gone away.
Because when you touched me it felt like nothing.
Because I was faking it about half the time.
Because even if you knew it wouldn't have made any difference.
Because you were faking it too.
Because I let your criticism make me feel worthless.
Because you ignored me and I let that make me feel worthless.
Because you did not love me and I let that make me feel worthless too.
Because you did cheat on me and you know it and I know it and she knows it.
Because everyone else knows it too.
Because I no longer believe in the story of us.
Because I am worth more than what you have to offer.
Because you never offer.
Because you are the worst kind of liar - you believe that you are telling the truth when you're not.
Because you didn't know that you treated me badly until I said it and you don't realize I'm not the only one.
Because when I needed you I believed that you would come.
Because I couldn't call anyone else.
Because you didn't come.
Because the fever tore through me like fire and the rains didn't come for days.
Because I can't love you anymore.
Because it is your fault.
Because I gave you the benefit of every doubt.
Because I was wrong.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Oh Pinnochio...
I do so wish for a real boy.
Bruises are fading on my back. Returning to parties has been fun - and there is a boy of mild interest. He's not a long term solution, and he is young... but he's tall and sweet with beautiful eyes. I didn't initially give him much thought, but he lingered close to my conversations and when T was ready for fire play he expressed an interest in learning.
T loves to teach, but he is not stupid or blind, and he had noticed M's attention throughout the evening. I have been as clear as I can be about the future (or lack thereof) of our relationship beyond the group events, but he is persistent and stubborn... and I really think he thinks my mind and heart can bend.
As he applied the cups, carefully explaining his actions to M, I thought maybe he was trying to teach me something as well. Or maybe assert some sort of dominance over the situation as well as over me.
Which he can not do.
He can top me, and I respect that and will give - a little - but that's where it ends.
So he demonstrated and with enough force that I was able to achieve the focus of transcendence that I love so much, and then he brought me back a little. To really teach he needed to have his eyes on what M was doing and on my response at the same time, so he needed me to have a clearer head.
M did a great job, running the flames down my back in slow (but not too slow) sensual arcs. He stopped from time to time to just put a reassuring hand on me, paying attention to my breathing. Then he started applying the cups, too gently at first, but quickly adjusting so that he could coax from me the same sounds that T had. Once all of the cups were on he put his hand on the back of my neck, leaned in close to my ear and thanked me. I sighed and wrapped my hand around his calf and squeezed.
Then T was back with the flogger and used it around the cups, increasing his speed and force when I didn't immediately respond. After a little while he stopped and said to M, "I usually have lubricant for this, but I can't find it just now," and he slid a cup about an inch. I whipped my head around and hissed, "Red already!"
"I thought that might do it," he grinned.
"Mean!" I laughed.
"Sadist." He said, simply and moved the cup another half inch before removing it with a loud, heavy pop.
Once I was dressed (but still a total space cadet) M asked me how I felt. "Great!" I said, "Ready for more." T told him that I was not, in fact, ready for more, and leveling his eyes at me said to M, "She tends to go further than she's ready to go." I lifted an eyebrow, but said nothing.
I would have disagreed more with him at the time, but I was barely coherent. It's not subspace, but adrenaline really is a sort of magic. We talked long enough for my head to clear and then we made our way upstairs. I talked to a few of the other members for awhile and when I really began to feel grounded I said goodbye. T said he'd walk me out, but M stepped forward and said he had parked close to me and he would make sure I got to my car OK.
We stood by my car in the cold dark for more than half an hour, me leaning against the hood and him making almost imperceptible progress closer to me. At one point he hugged me close to him (well, it was cold) and when he moved back kept his arm around me. I learned quite a few things about him... most predominantly that he is cute, not smart.
If he had any game at all I would not have slept alone that night. Stumbling over his own thoughts, I could see the effort as he attempted different combinations. He certainly tried to find that phrase or thought that might work, and I almost invited him to follow me home just to reward the effort...
But it was late, and I honestly was looking forward to sleeping alone, spread over the entire bed.
Bruises are fading on my back. Returning to parties has been fun - and there is a boy of mild interest. He's not a long term solution, and he is young... but he's tall and sweet with beautiful eyes. I didn't initially give him much thought, but he lingered close to my conversations and when T was ready for fire play he expressed an interest in learning.
T loves to teach, but he is not stupid or blind, and he had noticed M's attention throughout the evening. I have been as clear as I can be about the future (or lack thereof) of our relationship beyond the group events, but he is persistent and stubborn... and I really think he thinks my mind and heart can bend.
As he applied the cups, carefully explaining his actions to M, I thought maybe he was trying to teach me something as well. Or maybe assert some sort of dominance over the situation as well as over me.
Which he can not do.
He can top me, and I respect that and will give - a little - but that's where it ends.
So he demonstrated and with enough force that I was able to achieve the focus of transcendence that I love so much, and then he brought me back a little. To really teach he needed to have his eyes on what M was doing and on my response at the same time, so he needed me to have a clearer head.
M did a great job, running the flames down my back in slow (but not too slow) sensual arcs. He stopped from time to time to just put a reassuring hand on me, paying attention to my breathing. Then he started applying the cups, too gently at first, but quickly adjusting so that he could coax from me the same sounds that T had. Once all of the cups were on he put his hand on the back of my neck, leaned in close to my ear and thanked me. I sighed and wrapped my hand around his calf and squeezed.
Then T was back with the flogger and used it around the cups, increasing his speed and force when I didn't immediately respond. After a little while he stopped and said to M, "I usually have lubricant for this, but I can't find it just now," and he slid a cup about an inch. I whipped my head around and hissed, "Red already!"
"I thought that might do it," he grinned.
"Mean!" I laughed.
"Sadist." He said, simply and moved the cup another half inch before removing it with a loud, heavy pop.
Once I was dressed (but still a total space cadet) M asked me how I felt. "Great!" I said, "Ready for more." T told him that I was not, in fact, ready for more, and leveling his eyes at me said to M, "She tends to go further than she's ready to go." I lifted an eyebrow, but said nothing.
I would have disagreed more with him at the time, but I was barely coherent. It's not subspace, but adrenaline really is a sort of magic. We talked long enough for my head to clear and then we made our way upstairs. I talked to a few of the other members for awhile and when I really began to feel grounded I said goodbye. T said he'd walk me out, but M stepped forward and said he had parked close to me and he would make sure I got to my car OK.
We stood by my car in the cold dark for more than half an hour, me leaning against the hood and him making almost imperceptible progress closer to me. At one point he hugged me close to him (well, it was cold) and when he moved back kept his arm around me. I learned quite a few things about him... most predominantly that he is cute, not smart.
If he had any game at all I would not have slept alone that night. Stumbling over his own thoughts, I could see the effort as he attempted different combinations. He certainly tried to find that phrase or thought that might work, and I almost invited him to follow me home just to reward the effort...
But it was late, and I honestly was looking forward to sleeping alone, spread over the entire bed.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Swallowing Ice Whole
so cold my breath has shattered
hands moving backwards
there is no spring coming this year,
buds rotting in infancy
there is not enough heat in his whole love to trigger my thaw
not enough whole love in his heat to move my frozen limbs
just a sigh could strain my brittle branches
an intake of breath
some unintended motion and I will break into pieces
too small to feel like anything but dust.
hands moving backwards
there is no spring coming this year,
buds rotting in infancy
there is not enough heat in his whole love to trigger my thaw
not enough whole love in his heat to move my frozen limbs
just a sigh could strain my brittle branches
an intake of breath
some unintended motion and I will break into pieces
too small to feel like anything but dust.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
lonely
Coming home from T's tonight I just felt empty and cold. Like swallowing whole ice cubes on an empty stomach.
I thought about eating something.
I thought about smoking again.
I thought about calling Him...
But even if He answered it wouldn't be enough to fill me, to warm me tonight.
So I went home instead.
I folded laundry.
I took a long shower.
Lonely won't kill me.
I thought about eating something.
I thought about smoking again.
I thought about calling Him...
But even if He answered it wouldn't be enough to fill me, to warm me tonight.
So I went home instead.
I folded laundry.
I took a long shower.
Lonely won't kill me.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Music is good, though after the first few good blows I don't hear anything but my breathing. I try to keep it steady, but sometimes it gets away from me.
I have been awake for hours now, running through my music library, looking for the right rhythm. Making Play-playlists. Looking for the songs with the least amount of emotional baggage. Though not always. Baggage is a sure, cheap, quick way into subspace.
T thinks its grand that I can hit that space, but I don't know if he knows what takes me there. It's sometimes him. Sometimes.
There are a lot of things that T doesn't understand about me. I don't know if he ever will. I'm certainly not going to enlighten him.
T doesn't understand that I can see him coming from a mile away and that nothing he says or wants or thinks is surprising to me. He's so young and he thinks he knows exactly what he wants. Thinks himself so cagey, but I can see his intentions so clearly it feels like I'm watching the movie of a novel I wrote.
T doesn't understand that I will never love him.
I like him, I am not completely devoid of feelings. But I don't think it is in me to love him.
He believes he can wear me down. Chip away at my defenses and he will be in before I even know what hit me. (So to speak).
He doesn't understand that I am not defending anything. He is mistaking truth for defense.
He is more than confused when his usual spells don't work. I think if I gave in, even a little, I would not be so interesting to him.
If I gave in, even just a little, it would be a lie.
He mistakes my calm for stability. He doesn't understand just how shattered I really am. He hasn't figured out that when I am least expressive I am closest to the edge.
Of course, he also hasn't figured out that I am a lot more self-aware than he expects. It surprises him every time.
T doesn't understand why I like the flogger do much when the canes have such a dramatic and lasting visual effect.
He doesn't understand why I cry so fast and so hard - almost from the second I can smell the leather - or why it is almost impossible to get me to end it on my own.
He doesn't understand the pull it has.
I have been awake for hours now, running through my music library, looking for the right rhythm. Making Play-playlists. Looking for the songs with the least amount of emotional baggage. Though not always. Baggage is a sure, cheap, quick way into subspace.
T thinks its grand that I can hit that space, but I don't know if he knows what takes me there. It's sometimes him. Sometimes.
There are a lot of things that T doesn't understand about me. I don't know if he ever will. I'm certainly not going to enlighten him.
T doesn't understand that I can see him coming from a mile away and that nothing he says or wants or thinks is surprising to me. He's so young and he thinks he knows exactly what he wants. Thinks himself so cagey, but I can see his intentions so clearly it feels like I'm watching the movie of a novel I wrote.
T doesn't understand that I will never love him.
I like him, I am not completely devoid of feelings. But I don't think it is in me to love him.
He believes he can wear me down. Chip away at my defenses and he will be in before I even know what hit me. (So to speak).
He doesn't understand that I am not defending anything. He is mistaking truth for defense.
He is more than confused when his usual spells don't work. I think if I gave in, even a little, I would not be so interesting to him.
If I gave in, even just a little, it would be a lie.
He mistakes my calm for stability. He doesn't understand just how shattered I really am. He hasn't figured out that when I am least expressive I am closest to the edge.
Of course, he also hasn't figured out that I am a lot more self-aware than he expects. It surprises him every time.
T doesn't understand why I like the flogger do much when the canes have such a dramatic and lasting visual effect.
He doesn't understand why I cry so fast and so hard - almost from the second I can smell the leather - or why it is almost impossible to get me to end it on my own.
He doesn't understand the pull it has.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Birthday Spanking
Happy Birthday indeed...I spent Friday evening with T and we explored a lot of different options...
Different styles of whips and floggers and canes and other miscellaneous instruments.
Turns out, I like bondage. A lot.
And I like caning and electrical play.
A lot.
Turns out he is a big fan of caning as well, and he practices a method I'm not all that fond of, called "SDS," or "Same Damn Spot." I find a little recovery time between smacks means I can go longer.
But then, he is in charge. Especially when I am tied to a cross.
He is still learning me, and he is still afraid of scaring me off... so at first he let me off the hook without the safeword. When he realized I was using that he started pushing a little harder.
Especially once I was on the spanking bench. Holy cats.
We made another date for Tuesday...
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
Two Things from Saturday
One was funny, "ha ha," and one was funny in the ironic twisty way that I love.
Funny thing #1
At the munch before the party I mentioned that I had already seen the new dungeon because I spent the afternoon at T's house. One of the Doms said, "Oh, then you're already tired!"
I protested, "Nope! He had me there for four hours and didn't even touch me."
The Dom was amazed... asked if T was stupid or just crazy.
T said, "I just wanted it to be new for her tonight."
So I, of course, said, "Yup, I've still got that new car smell and everything."
Lots of laughing...
So I'm checking people in at T's house later and this same Dom said he had a present for me... and he handed me one of those car freshener things that you hang from the mirror.
And it was vanilla scented.
I love these guys.
Funny thing #2
You know that song Careless Whisper? (Yes you do, too. And if you don't, look up the lyrics because that's part of this story). It was on my "breakup misery wallow-time" mixed tape from the LAST time S left. Well, apparently Seether did a remake. It's actually pretty good. Know when I heard it? Face down on a table in a dungeon almost at the very second that someone who wasn't S topped me for the first time.
I think it was sort of interesting timing.
Funny thing #1
At the munch before the party I mentioned that I had already seen the new dungeon because I spent the afternoon at T's house. One of the Doms said, "Oh, then you're already tired!"
I protested, "Nope! He had me there for four hours and didn't even touch me."
The Dom was amazed... asked if T was stupid or just crazy.
T said, "I just wanted it to be new for her tonight."
So I, of course, said, "Yup, I've still got that new car smell and everything."
Lots of laughing...
So I'm checking people in at T's house later and this same Dom said he had a present for me... and he handed me one of those car freshener things that you hang from the mirror.
And it was vanilla scented.
I love these guys.
Funny thing #2
You know that song Careless Whisper? (Yes you do, too. And if you don't, look up the lyrics because that's part of this story). It was on my "breakup misery wallow-time" mixed tape from the LAST time S left. Well, apparently Seether did a remake. It's actually pretty good. Know when I heard it? Face down on a table in a dungeon almost at the very second that someone who wasn't S topped me for the first time.
I think it was sort of interesting timing.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Party Girl
What a fabulous party!!
T was amazing... and everyone else was so welcoming. I learned a lot and got to watch things that I had only read about.
I even have some pretty serious bruises. Huge, deep bruises. I was initially really unsure about public play - I didn't think I would be comfortable, and I was worried about the implications of not only my first play with T, but my first play without S.
But I watched a few scenes; a fabulous flogging, some knife play, a little spanking. And T was fire cupping. It was so amazing. So. Amazing. The first cupping scene I watched was really intense for me, I helped in the second and was on the table for the third. T had to work a little harder than he thought he would, my pain tolerance apparently is impressive.
After T and one of the Dommes (my new BFF) wrapped me in a blanket and held me and stroked my hair. It took me awhile to come back to my senses. I had never had sufficient aftercare before and it really makes all the difference in the world.
One of the boys (submissive, mid-twenties) said, "That was so beautiful." He was also sporting some pretty impressive bruises from a flogging scene and kept asking me if he could bite me a little. So later I let him. But only a little. I have some nice marks from him.
At the end of the evening there was a ball torture demonstration... which sounds really horrible, and frankly? Looks really horrible.
Until I saw his face.
There really isn't much in me that wants to cause pain for others. I am much more interested in receiving. But making people happy is something I love... and it made him so happy that I wanted a turn, and after everyone else went home I got another turn.
It was such an intimate and amazing thing to bring him to his knees - literally - over and over until he was glassy-eyed and so funny.
I am in no danger of falling in love with this man... but I will be playing with him again soon.
T was amazing... and everyone else was so welcoming. I learned a lot and got to watch things that I had only read about.
I even have some pretty serious bruises. Huge, deep bruises. I was initially really unsure about public play - I didn't think I would be comfortable, and I was worried about the implications of not only my first play with T, but my first play without S.
But I watched a few scenes; a fabulous flogging, some knife play, a little spanking. And T was fire cupping. It was so amazing. So. Amazing. The first cupping scene I watched was really intense for me, I helped in the second and was on the table for the third. T had to work a little harder than he thought he would, my pain tolerance apparently is impressive.
After T and one of the Dommes (my new BFF) wrapped me in a blanket and held me and stroked my hair. It took me awhile to come back to my senses. I had never had sufficient aftercare before and it really makes all the difference in the world.
One of the boys (submissive, mid-twenties) said, "That was so beautiful." He was also sporting some pretty impressive bruises from a flogging scene and kept asking me if he could bite me a little. So later I let him. But only a little. I have some nice marks from him.
At the end of the evening there was a ball torture demonstration... which sounds really horrible, and frankly? Looks really horrible.
Until I saw his face.
There really isn't much in me that wants to cause pain for others. I am much more interested in receiving. But making people happy is something I love... and it made him so happy that I wanted a turn, and after everyone else went home I got another turn.
It was such an intimate and amazing thing to bring him to his knees - literally - over and over until he was glassy-eyed and so funny.
I am in no danger of falling in love with this man... but I will be playing with him again soon.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Miss Me Yet?
His last email sounded so sad... Which is curious to me. He has freed himself to fuck random strangers with impunity!
What more does he want?
Right now I don't trust his friendship, but would probably fuck him.
Oh well. I suppose there are some things that will take longer than others.
There is a party this weekend... T has spent the week setting up some new things in the dungeon. He asked if I was ready for a public scene... But I don't think I am just yet.
Besides, next time there will be wax play! Yummy!!
In a weird way I still wish he was part of this. It would be sort of nice if he were there. I wonder when that will pass?
Its entirely possible that he would show up at a party... There aren't that many groups here.
Is it Saturday yet?!?
What more does he want?
Right now I don't trust his friendship, but would probably fuck him.
Oh well. I suppose there are some things that will take longer than others.
There is a party this weekend... T has spent the week setting up some new things in the dungeon. He asked if I was ready for a public scene... But I don't think I am just yet.
Besides, next time there will be wax play! Yummy!!
In a weird way I still wish he was part of this. It would be sort of nice if he were there. I wonder when that will pass?
Its entirely possible that he would show up at a party... There aren't that many groups here.
Is it Saturday yet?!?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Interest
T says it's a numbers game, really.
There are more men than women in this lifestyle, so the "new girl" gets a lot of attention.
He has offered protection and introduction - it's all very sweet and "courtly" really.
I have seen pictures of his "work," and it's impressive.
I know that I'm not ready to start a relationship again, but I do miss the sting of leather on my skin, the soft but firm command, the guiding hand on the small of my back.
So we'll see...
There are so many things I want to try, and without the restraint of an inexperienced and indecisive Dom I have the freedom.
I hate it, but I still wish He had stuck around to take these steps with me.
Surely this will pass.
There are more men than women in this lifestyle, so the "new girl" gets a lot of attention.
He has offered protection and introduction - it's all very sweet and "courtly" really.
I have seen pictures of his "work," and it's impressive.
I know that I'm not ready to start a relationship again, but I do miss the sting of leather on my skin, the soft but firm command, the guiding hand on the small of my back.
So we'll see...
There are so many things I want to try, and without the restraint of an inexperienced and indecisive Dom I have the freedom.
I hate it, but I still wish He had stuck around to take these steps with me.
Surely this will pass.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Darkness distills it somehow, this loss.
Hope is ready in the morning, but
Night time is for the pulse and pull of losing you.
Again.
Night is when I think I can not carry this,
I think I need you,
I think please come back to me.
Again.
I would erase you if I could.
I would delete it all.
I would remind myself to be smarter.
To say no to you.
To run.
Hope is ready in the morning, but
Night time is for the pulse and pull of losing you.
Again.
Night is when I think I can not carry this,
I think I need you,
I think please come back to me.
Again.
I would erase you if I could.
I would delete it all.
I would remind myself to be smarter.
To say no to you.
To run.
Monday, May 18, 2009
I am coming to terms with the fact that He does not (did not) love me.
His cold denial leaves me without oxygen.
The purging of what is left of Him has me sick and bleeding, hollow and sharp. So similar to how He found me.
I forgot to leave a stronger wall.
Forgot to leave room for error.
Forgot about the suicidal tendencies of my stupid, stupid heart.
His cold denial leaves me without oxygen.
The purging of what is left of Him has me sick and bleeding, hollow and sharp. So similar to how He found me.
I forgot to leave a stronger wall.
Forgot to leave room for error.
Forgot about the suicidal tendencies of my stupid, stupid heart.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Are You just gone? Was this all been meaningless, soulless?
Was I so insignificant?
Is it possible that I could be so wrong again?
I don't know what my life is without You. I don't know where to find the joy.
I want to call, to say, "Love me. Just please please love me. Please say that I am enough."
But I won't. Of course I won't.
It was never supposed to be me.
You were never going to choose me.
Was I so insignificant?
Is it possible that I could be so wrong again?
I don't know what my life is without You. I don't know where to find the joy.
I want to call, to say, "Love me. Just please please love me. Please say that I am enough."
But I won't. Of course I won't.
It was never supposed to be me.
You were never going to choose me.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009
He disappears as suddenly as He appears,
His absences grow in length
cool memory placid and smooth,
almost like He was never there at all.
My body resets its physical memory
my skin forgets to need His hands
i forget to need His direction.
He has decided not to claim me, i belong to Him
and i don't. i am
good enough for diversion, not
necessary to keep.
His absences grow in length
cool memory placid and smooth,
almost like He was never there at all.
My body resets its physical memory
my skin forgets to need His hands
i forget to need His direction.
He has decided not to claim me, i belong to Him
and i don't. i am
good enough for diversion, not
necessary to keep.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
don't think i didn't hear the dirty thoughts running through Your mind tonight,
that Your eyes weren't projecting scenes that left my knees weak.
heal that arm quickly, sweet dirty sexy Sir...
i want Your marks on me,
those purple half-moon reminders of Your teeth.
i want to wince for days when i sit.
i want the heat of Your domination to push me through.
that Your eyes weren't projecting scenes that left my knees weak.
heal that arm quickly, sweet dirty sexy Sir...
i want Your marks on me,
those purple half-moon reminders of Your teeth.
i want to wince for days when i sit.
i want the heat of Your domination to push me through.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
SubSpace
A few weeks ago I hit subspace really hard.
It was like having your first orgasm... you don't really know what to expect and then, wham!
And afterward all you can think is that line from Thelma and Louise, "Now I know what all the fuss is about!"
So what was it? What did He do to take me there?
Honestly, I have no idea. None at all. We weren't even really playing, just talking and fooling around before we had to leave for dinner. I hadn't really slept at all the night before and I had a few emotional issues bubbling around, but there's nothing unusual about that.
Was it some quality of pain? Some special trick?
There were a few new things - surprises that marked me for days and left me breathless.
But that wasn't entirely it.
There was something in His voice that switched off most of my brain. I couldn't hear anything but His voice, couldn't feel anything but His body. The room around me seemed to be moving in light speed. I didn't even process His commands before my body was doing what He wanted.
When He stopped it took me a long time to come back to my senses. I cried a little and felt dizzy and sort of sick. Like when you have a fantastic evening with friends and your chest hurts from laughing too much but you had just a little too much wine.
He told me to get dressed so we wouldn't miss our reservation and I had no idea how to do that... or where my clothes were (even though we were in my house and my clothes are everywhere). He kept asking me if I was OK and I kept saying, "Yes," but I wasn't.
I also wasn't not OK and I had no idea how to get back to reality. I had no idea why I'd want to.
I was so very thirsty though, so I managed to get into appropriate clothing and we left.
It took more than an hour for me to come down.
It was scary - for both of us - and I wish there had been more time for aftercare, more time to come down gently with Him.
But then I always wish for more time with Him and there is never enough.
It makes me feel insecure, the imbalance of need in this relationship... but that's a post for another night.
It was like having your first orgasm... you don't really know what to expect and then, wham!
And afterward all you can think is that line from Thelma and Louise, "Now I know what all the fuss is about!"
So what was it? What did He do to take me there?
Honestly, I have no idea. None at all. We weren't even really playing, just talking and fooling around before we had to leave for dinner. I hadn't really slept at all the night before and I had a few emotional issues bubbling around, but there's nothing unusual about that.
Was it some quality of pain? Some special trick?
There were a few new things - surprises that marked me for days and left me breathless.
But that wasn't entirely it.
There was something in His voice that switched off most of my brain. I couldn't hear anything but His voice, couldn't feel anything but His body. The room around me seemed to be moving in light speed. I didn't even process His commands before my body was doing what He wanted.
When He stopped it took me a long time to come back to my senses. I cried a little and felt dizzy and sort of sick. Like when you have a fantastic evening with friends and your chest hurts from laughing too much but you had just a little too much wine.
He told me to get dressed so we wouldn't miss our reservation and I had no idea how to do that... or where my clothes were (even though we were in my house and my clothes are everywhere). He kept asking me if I was OK and I kept saying, "Yes," but I wasn't.
I also wasn't not OK and I had no idea how to get back to reality. I had no idea why I'd want to.
I was so very thirsty though, so I managed to get into appropriate clothing and we left.
It took more than an hour for me to come down.
It was scary - for both of us - and I wish there had been more time for aftercare, more time to come down gently with Him.
But then I always wish for more time with Him and there is never enough.
It makes me feel insecure, the imbalance of need in this relationship... but that's a post for another night.
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