Music is good, though after the first few good blows I don't hear anything but my breathing. I try to keep it steady, but sometimes it gets away from me.
I have been awake for hours now, running through my music library, looking for the right rhythm. Making Play-playlists. Looking for the songs with the least amount of emotional baggage. Though not always. Baggage is a sure, cheap, quick way into subspace.

T thinks its grand that I can hit that space, but I don't know if he knows what takes me there. It's sometimes him. Sometimes.

There are a lot of things that T doesn't understand about me. I don't know if he ever will. I'm certainly not going to enlighten him.

T doesn't understand that I can see him coming from a mile away and that nothing he says or wants or thinks is surprising to me. He's so young and he thinks he knows exactly what he wants. Thinks himself so cagey, but I can see his intentions so clearly it feels like I'm watching the movie of a novel I wrote.

T doesn't understand that I will never love him.
I like him, I am not completely devoid of feelings. But I don't think it is in me to love him.
He believes he can wear me down. Chip away at my defenses and he will be in before I even know what hit me. (So to speak).
He doesn't understand that I am not defending anything. He is mistaking truth for defense.
He is more than confused when his usual spells don't work. I think if I gave in, even a little, I would not be so interesting to him.
If I gave in, even just a little, it would be a lie.

He mistakes my calm for stability. He doesn't understand just how shattered I really am. He hasn't figured out that when I am least expressive I am closest to the edge.
Of course, he also hasn't figured out that I am a lot more self-aware than he expects. It surprises him every time.

T doesn't understand why I like the flogger do much when the canes have such a dramatic and lasting visual effect.
He doesn't understand why I cry so fast and so hard - almost from the second I can smell the leather - or why it is almost impossible to get me to end it on my own.
He doesn't understand the pull it has.