Trust

It's weird for me. The amount of trust it takes to enter into this kind of relationship... to even consider this kind of relationship. And trust is not something I'm not at all good at. Not absolute trust. Not like this. But I do trust him. (More or less completely). There is a little reserve still... it's still early in this and my trust issues (with Him and in general) have been planted deeply and reinforced. I'm getting there.

I can't explain it really, why I am willing to hand over this amount of control to Him. I would not be able to explore this part of myself with anyone else. And "control" is absolutely the wrong word. It gives the wrong impression. This is necessarily a symbiotic relationship. He can only take what I give Him and I can only take what He gives me.

So what makes Him so special?

I'm not really sure. On the outside He is a perfectly normal guy. A "nice guy" with kids and a job. He is important enough to the people around Him, but there is nothing immediately evident that separates Him from a hundred other nice guys with kids and jobs.

We were so very young when we met, and then we only knew each other peripherally for several years. I remember His eyes though, and the intensity of His gaze. It scared me then. It looked like anger and made me feel like there wasn't enough oxygen in the room.

When He looks at me like that now it doesn't scare me, and it doesn't look like anger, but the oxygen still seems thin.
When He looks at me like that now I can feel the constriction and focus shift to Him.
When He looks at me like that now I want to raise my arms in surrender.
When He looks at me like that now He doesn't even have to touch me.

There is something that pulses under His steadiness. Something that is always present but never exactly clear, if you look for it it disappears like smoke. There is something in Him that understands and speaks to something in me. And I am listening...