Named and Punished

Sir has named me and I am distracted by the pleasure of this.
All day, His soft voice so deep in my mind: my name over and over.
I was His anyway, but now it is more solid.
Tangible.

And last night my first punishment.
One small infraction - one oversight.
Punishment pain so different from pleasure pain: there is shame in it, and
disappointment.
All I want is to please Him, and to fail him - even slightly, even when I am tired is heartbreaking. All the way home, and for hours I waited for Him to decide it was time. I apologized and He smiled, "That's not going to save you." His voice so soft and sweet that I shivered.
And I was scared. Not scared of Him, but scared that I wouldn't be able to take it. Scared that I would disappoint Him in this, too.
When it came it hurt. It was not loving and sensuous like before.
I knew I deserved it and I knew that this pain would cleanse me, restore me for Him.
I stretched my arms over my head, wrists crossed.
I clenched my jaw, my back tensed and I cried... but I did not move.
I did not beg Him to stop.
I did not even think the safe word...

When it was over He held me and kissed me and I did feel whole and loved and stronger.

He was proud of me.

But then this morning I did use the safe word.

Still sore from last night I rolled away from Him when He switched to something harder...
I rolled back, knowing what I had done and I tried to be strong enough.

I know that the safe word is important. That it is there for me and for Him. That not using it when I need to means He can't trust me... but it still feels like failure. Still feels like disappointment.

Now it hurts to sit. The skin tender and singing when I move. My throat is raw, my arms sore.
But I am named and I am His.